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All right everyone.

We are home from the hospital. Jason is obviously not dead. My mom really likes freaking people out for no reason. This is because she is an attention whore.

I wasn't even worried, for God's sake. Everyone knew he was gonna make it. Obviously. After a couple days he just kind of sat up in bed and said, "Did I miss something?"

Meanwhile, my mom drained her laptop's battery so much during our stay there (no outlets in the waiting room, awkwardly enough) that she now has to get it replaced. She called HP and they're making her like send her "defective" one to China or something and then probably some relatives of Sella Bwan who work at the awkward Chinese HP factory are going to send her a new battery. Personally I don't really get why she can't just get one at fucking Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart has everything. Including crutches. We got some crutches for Jason because he's not expected to keep his balance for a few weeks. I personally think the doctors are crackheads because how on Earth are crutches supposed to help you with your balance? Won't you just fall down anyway but get like battered with your crutches on the way down? Fucktards. But whatever, it's not like we could just ignore the doctor's orders. We couldn't just be like, "NO" and throw a sheet of plexiglass at them. Though I did suggest we do that.

Anyways, my mom just wanted me to update everyone because she can't, since her laptop is currently a corpse. I'm writing this from Jason's. Awkwardly enough Johnny never wants to share any of his five desktops at home. My mom is pretty miserable without her blog - and her computer. She actually had to go buy Susan Boyle's new album at Wal-Mart because all her Susan Boyle songs were on her iTunes and without them she starts twitching after a few hours.

So yeah. Jason's fine, my mom is confused due to her lack of a computer, Hannibal is at the casino, Johnny's working late, and Robert is at home practicing for his speech at Harvard on Monday. Which is why I'm currently not in the house. Jason's mom just baked us some pink cherry muffins. I asked her if we could make some Bloody Demon Squares earlier but she just looked at me like I was dumb.

Oh! One more thing. Hannibal decided that Jason, Freddy and I get to help him decorate the Christmas tree! :) Epic win.

Aaaaaaaand also everyone in the neighborhood is invited to our big-ass Christmas dinner next Saturday with a freshly-murdered fat turkey. My mom actually just called me to tell me, in a strangled-sounding voice, to pass this on.

Bad news

Jason Vrees is in the hospital in serious condition after an accident during their filming last night involving a glove, our set of kitchen knives and Alfred Benedict's old rusty machete. At this point we're all still kind of waiting in limbo to see what's going to happen with him. Michael is also in the hospital now, technically, because he refuses to leave. So is Hannibal because he refuses to let Michael refuse to leave. So is Johnny because he refuses to let Hannibal make an utter fool out of himself in front of professional doctors and such by refusing to let Michael refuse to leave. So is Robert because he feels that without regular philosophical citations, this entire situation will soon become a full-blown family crisis. So am I because I'm afraid of sleeping alone in my large-ass house. And finally, so is that miscreant Frederick because he's all "OHMYGODWHATHAVEIDONE." Yes, of course he's the one who caused the accident. The film was "Freddy vs. Jason 3.5" after all.

Oh, and Mary-Sue Vrees is here too, obviously, although Alfred Benedict complained about lack of sleep and stayed home. I keep forgetting about Mary-Sue because although she is in the hospital, she is not here in the waiting room with us. Upon arriving she was hysterical and attempted to attack Michael and Frederick with a spork. She is now in the psych ward under observation.

Michael keeps asking me, "MomwhatifJasondies?"

I reply in different variations of "That would be sad." Which is true, because Jason is Michael's best friend, and as such he is kind of like my adopted son. Not that this adopted-son thing doesn't have more to do with Mary-Sue's insanity than anything, but let's not rub that in right now. Except on my blog.

Also, if Jason dies, I think we might as well just give up hope entirely of ever getting the mask away from my dear child. We will also have to move away from Mary-Sue before she goes on a rampage (one-sided conversations included), killing all the children in the neighborhood, wearing a bright pink tee which reads "If I can't be a MOTHER, NO ONE CAN!"

I just got through changing the gauze on Michael's shoulder. He came running home last night all of a dither, going, "OHMYFUCKINGGODJASONLIKEDIED! MOM! MOM!", and apparently, his panic was so great that he did not notice the small knife in his shoulder. I pulled it out and placed gauze on it. I have been having to care for his wound because apparently, he could not care less.

I'm going to have to have a talk with these three about why they feel it's necessary to create such violent films. I mean if you want to make a movie, fine, but Jesus Christ do you really have to kill each other in the process?

This whole thing was probably Frederick's doing. Maybe I should just talk to him.

At this point it doesn't matter much... we're just hoping with all our hearts that dear Jason Vrees makes it through this (and also that Michael does not get gangrene in his shoulder, because it's his writing arm). Our fingers are all crossed for you, honey! Get better!

I'll let you all know as soon as the nurses stop being understaffed and we receive more news.

Love,
Gertie xox