The bus is a mistake. And so is C'Dward Eullen's face.

Eff off, mom. You thought you could control me? Well, think again. You turned out to be just like Sam Loomis the pedo-loon, shitwench. :)

Good God.

I went to babysit at Lispeth (my hero)'s this weekend. She actually knows what she is doing as a mom, kthxcool. Like actually. She doesn't ground people for three and a half weeks. I wish she was my parent. My only parent. LISPETH, CAN YOU ADOPT ME? PLEASE?

So yeah, I went to babysit Bertha because for some awkward reason, her dad like rejected her at birth or whatever. You know like how panda moms see their tiny-ass children and they're like WHATTHEFUCKISTHISSHIT and try to eat them? And usually succeed? Well, that's pretty much Bertha's predicament. Except obviously her dad didn't eat her because she's still here and needs to be babysat. But whatever. You know what I mean.

Anyways, this is the situation: Lispeth was going to the spa for an entire weekend with her eldest daughters, and then like W. Desnay was probably off with some theme park wench, from what I understand. And she asked me to babysit her little brat. So yeah. It was just me in Bertha's fucking wing in the house aaaaaaaaaall weekend with no supervision. :)

Well now, what are we going to do about that? I asked myself this question several times on Friday as I pondered upon the hideously epic adventure which awaited me.

And then I went over to Lispeth's. Thank God I got rid of those four wench-poopies for an entire weekend! Legit, I needed the break. And deserved it. Because I am SUCH a good son. And nothing I do is ever appreciated. So whatever, those wenches can all suck my dick if they actually thought I would be unsupervised for an entire weekend and not get up off my ass.

Hah. They are so epically dumb. They're like Johnny's friend Rob Zombie, except smaller. Because Rob Zombie is like a bodybuilding gargantuan. He thinks being a gargantuan is hot, but actually, it's fugly as fuck. You look like a caveman. Actually? Go on a celery diet. Now.

Aaaaaaaaaaanyways. So I got to the house, grabbed the massive telephone, and called Jason. And his mom answered. Epic fail. So I hung up. So then I called his cell phone. And then his mom answered. And I was like "what... the... fuck... stalker." But it wasn't actually his mom. Jason was just probably wearing that belt that he insists fits him... but really, it doesn't. It really freaking doesn't. And pretty sure he sounds awkwardly like his mom when he wears it. Which is really retarded. And scary.

So I was like, "Jason, that belt does not effing fit you. Take it off. THEN COME TO LISPETH'S."

"What? Lispeth's? Did you run away from home?" Do you see how he just completely avoided the belt issue? Fucking typical, man.

But whatever. "Yeah. Lispeth's. I'm babysitting. For the whole weekend. Just come over, wench. We can watch Freddy's new videos and raid the mini-bar."

"Won't your mom find out? You can't be grounded for any longer. We haven't been to Wal-Mart in like two years."

I'm all, "I know, right? That's exactly what I told that wench the other day. No messing with the Wal-Mart, seriously."

"Totally, I mean she could have just taken away the Korn or something!"

I'm like, "No. No messing with the Korn either."

"Oh. Alrighty then."

"You are a fugwench. We are going to Wal-Mart tomorrow. kthx." Then I hung up.

So Jason showed up at Lispeth's about point two seconds later. He probably just sprinted here because he's such a fugster. You have to feel kinda bad for him, though. He's a bit of a retard and as a result, he only has me as a friend. Which is epic, and he got lucky, because I'm a REALLY EPIC FRIEND.

So yeah. When he got here we put on some of Freddy's home videos, as well as one we videotaped at Edna's. Of me flipping out. Which was slightly embarrassing. But still funny because by the time we got around to watching this one, we had consumed so many coolers from the mini-fridge that we were both laughing our asses off and slurring verses of "Mr. Sandman".

I have discovered that Jason is extremely tone-deaf when tipsy. Or maybe he's just always like that.

Anyway, at one point, I remember we tried to figure out how the shiznatch we were getting to Wal-Mart tomorrow. So we called up Freddy on two phones. "Duuuuuuuuude, tomorrow can you drive us to Wally?" (This was Jason talking, by the way. I am nowhere near this retarded when hammered.)

Freddy was like, "What? Um... if you want to rent Wall-E, you can just walk down to Blockbuster. You know it's like two o'clock in the morning, right?"

I was all, "OhmyGodseriously? That's SO funny. But yeah. Stop being a wench and drive us to Wal-Mart tomorrow. Ksweet."

"Are you two drunk?"

Jason was all. "Holy fuck yes, we're totally krunded."

"And by that he means that we are drunk," I intervened. "WAL-MART! TOMORROW! JESUS WENCH! STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT! YOU'RE STARTING TO SOUND LIKE JASON WHENEVER SOMEONE MENTIONS HIS GAYASS FIVE-INCH BELT AND HOW HE SHOULD TAKE THE FUCKER OFF!"

Jason's all, "What?"

I'm like, "Shut up. Stop being a tard."

"I'm so confused."

"I know you are. Go fuck the couch again."

Freddy's all, "Ooooooooooooookay. Well. Hate to tell you this, bitches, but my car is completely totaled."

I'm like, "Wonderful."

"Yeah. Some fugger named Ghostbutt Hammerfuck or something inbred like that seemed to think it was a good idea to rip shit at me for egging his house the other day. And by rip shit I mean the asshole destroyed my car."

I'm all, "Wow, man, that's like tragic or something, anyway I kind of have to go now because, like, Jason just passed out on the floor beside the couch and you're starting to get really effing boring, so like, I'll call you tomorrow or something whatever and we'll pretty much hitchhike there okay? Or something? Seeeeeee you tomorrowwww."

So I hung up, all set on this hitchhiking experience. Then Jason woke up at about four, sat straight up and said, "CANWETAKETHEBUS?"

So we did.

We lurked over to the bus stop which is like three miles away from Lispeth's because our street is so retardedly long. As in, after a while it just awkwardly becomes farmland and there are like fenced-off mad cows staring at you as though they want to eat you for breakfast. And it's really awkward. Especially since me and Jason had two massive hangovers of life and Freddy messed up the bus schedule, so we ended up awkwardly standing at the corner of the street like wenches for about forty-five minutes. And we had to drag Bertha with us because like... I was babysitting her?

Freddy's all, "Sorry guys. I thought we had to take the #7, but really, it's the #5. My bad."

I was like, "Dude, Freddy? The #7 goes to CRYSTAL LAKE. How in the fugwench did you mix them up?"

Freddy had no answer to this.

I'm all, "Yep. That's what I thought, wench."

Jason's all, "Man... don't be dissing Crystal Lake."

I'm all, "Crystal-Lake-is-a-fugly-hick-town-full-of-inbred-deformed-simple-retards."

I'm pretty sure Jason actually cried, but sometimes it's hard to tell with him. Was he crying, or were his sinuses congested? Or was he having trouble with his bowels? His fugmask makes it kind of impossible to tell.

The bus finally showed up, and it picked the right time to do so, since one of the cows was getting almost dangerously close to us at the time. Then the bus driver opens the door all surprised and he's all, "Dude... I didn't know people actually lived here."

We got in. At the very back of the bus, there existed an awkward three-person seat, and it was unoccupied so we grabbed it. And we made Bertha sit on Freddy's lap. Freddy didn't seem to mind this. By this time we had a hard time to sit still because we were extremely excited to get to Wal-Mart. Or at least I was, since I'm grounded and I am currently deprived of literally all of life's epic wins.

And Jason was too, since he is forbidden to go to Wal-Mart without me.

And also, Jason always gets stupidly excited for no effing reason. Like this one time when we were like... seven, we were playing with some old pocket knives near Crystal Lake where Jason almost drowned once and then faked his death to escape the clutches of his mom for a couple of weeks, and then Jason found a huge-ass rock and he was all "OH MY GOD! LOOK AT THIS ROCK! MICHAEL! LOOK AT THIS ROCK!!!" It was absolutely retarded. I took the rock and threw it in his face. Then I got bitched at for three hours by our dear Pam, but that is so not the point. The point is that people shouldn't get excited about rocks. It is stupid and probably means you will get excited by pink and purple phones later on in life. Like Jason.

So yeah. He was hyper as fuck.

He pulled out his phone. "Hi mom! I'm good. Mom guess what guess what guess what!! WE'RE ON A BUS. Me and Mike. ... No, mom, Freddy's not here. ... No, I won't talk to strangers! ... Yeah, it's really bouncy. ... It's really bouncy. ... IT'S REALLY BOUNCY? ... Mom? ... Oh, okay. LOVE YOU. kbye."

I stared at Jason for like two minutes. He was like, "Whuh?"

I'm all, "Why does your mom call you every five minutes? It's actually the creepiest fucking shit ever."

"She just loves me."

"Yeah, she's about the only one."

"What?"

"I didn't say anything, you tard."

"Oh, okay!" He smiled weirdly, like a moose. "OH MY GOD MIKE I'M SO EXCITED. Wal-Mart, BITCH!"

I'm all, "YAY!"

Then this lady in the seat in front of us turned around and she's all, "WAL-MART?" And then she started telling us her entire life story, and it was really awkward. We just zoned her out.

We finally got to Wal-Mart. Thankfkngod.

As we walked through the parking lot, Freddy's all, "I would laugh so hard if we ran into Ceddy here."

I frowned. "Um, excuse me while I regurgitate a cow."

Jason's like, "Yeah, C'Dward's a fugster. Except I can't regurgitate a cow... because my dad's Jewish and he gets really pissed if we eat non-kosher. But I'll regurgitate like a block of tofu with you. Does that work?"

So yeah, we got into the Wal-Mart. And it was heaven. kthx.

Long story short, we ran right into Cedward and Sella Bwan. Sella Bwan was all like, "HEYBESTFRIENDDDD!!" to me and it was kind of weird since I've never spoken to her in my life.

So I just glared at Cedward. And Jason pretty much hid behind me. Which doesn't actually work since he's... well... I don't want to be mean, but he's kind of burly. Y'know? And... I'm not? So he can only like... half hide behind me?

Yeah, I'm confusing myself now.

C'Dward was all, "HiJason."

I said, "Wench please. He actually kind of hates your face. Right Jason?"

"I don't enjoy being at the centre of this."

"FUCK YOU."

Sella Bwan was all, "Wanna come to Aqua Massage?"

I was like, "No." But Freddy and Jason were like, "Yes."

Motherfucker.

So we went to Aqua Massage and it was actually kind of epic. They closed you into these big spaceship-looking things and put you in like a body bag and then squirted water all over you and shit. Epic win. But that wasn't the best part. The best part was that Sella Bwan was like, all out. She got a 20-minute session and we all got to stand there while she instructed the worker to bring up the intensity of the water jets.

"Is that hard enough, honey?" the worker asked, and then Sella was all, "No, harder! Harder!"

Can you say LOL?

So then we bailed from Aqua Massage. Pretty sure Jason and I were still kind of drunk, so we were laughing our asses off at Sella's, um, outburst the whole way back to Wal-Mart. And then, when that stopped being funny, I started laughing at the back of Cedward's head. That just never gets old. Fuck. Someone's hairdresser was on coke.

Then we went to McFuckwad, which was rather uneventful because this one is actually not a prostitute.

Then we returned to Wal-Mart and lurked in the awkward towel aisle that no one ever goes into, except this time there was this forty-year-old hobo woman there, and I'm pretty sure she was on ecstasy because she was grabbing like every towel off the shelves and giggling to herself in pure glee. It was really effing awkward.

All of a sudden, like RIGHT out of the blue, and I mean like, we were just minding our own business and then right off the bat, C'Dward pulls out some eggs out of his pocket and starts THROWING them at us.

What. The. Fuck.

I'm all, "What the wench!"

Cedward just kept dousing us with the wenchy eggs. When I was completely DRENCHED in egg whites to the point where I must have resembled a half-melted snowman, C'Dward and Sella just turned the fuck around and ran away.

I WAS PISSED.

So I ran after him, eggs and all, and tackled him to the ground. Then Jason jumped on us. Freddy was awkwardly just standing back and watching the whole thing go down. He might as well have been holding a bag of popcorn.

"Jasongetoff." I yelled, because I couldn't breathe.

Then security came and took Cedward away. Apparently, some kind Good Samaritan customer bitchwench witnessed the whole thing and feared for the safety of the poor innocent child with us (Bertha), so she called the cops on Ced. I for one could not have been happier about this.

C'Dward was all, "BYE JASON!" as they dragged him away.

I said, "Hope you get effed by corpses in prison, Wenchdward Fuglen! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Jason felt bad. And then he was just confused. "Michael?"

"What?"

"Why do I feel bad for C'Dward? Even after he awkwardly pummelled us with eggs?"

I'm all, "Because... you're retarded?"

We just left, because there was nothing left in the world to do except raid the bar at Lispeth's. Not the mini one. The big fucker. Besides, it was like six o'clock. And the bus came at like... seven forty. Which was awkward.

On the way to the bus stop Jason flipped the fuck out because he'd lost his precious pink-and-purple phone. "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY WENCH! WHAT IF MY MOM TRIED TO CALL ME????"

"She'll survive," said Freddy.

"Um... that's debatable," I said. Then I said to Jason, "It's probably in your bag, you tard. Call it."

Jason's all, "WITH WHAT?"

"My cell?"

"Oh yeah."

"You're not the only coolster with a phone, asswench."

"Just give me the fucker."

So he called. The phone didn't ring. It actually wasn't in his bag. Impressive. He might actually be growing a brain, finally.

Suddenly, Jason looked distressed. "Um... hello?"

"Who the wench are you talking to?"

Jason ignored me. "Ummm... yes, I lost my phone... why are you talking like that? ... um... what? ... WHAT THE HELL? ... Just a second... Michael! I'm confused..." He gave me the phone.

I rolled my eyes and grabbed it. "Dickwad. Hello? Who's this? ... Oh, fun, you're a French tourist. Well then. ... Mon ami a perdu son phone, ou es-tu? Dans l'bus?"

Freddy and Jason awkwardly looked at each other. "Is he speaking English right now?"

"I think he's speaking drunk," said Jason.

"Ah, okay. Merci." I hung up. "Your phone's in the bus. Good job, Voorhees."

"IN THE BUS?" Jason exclaimed. "But I'm so confused..."

"You tard."

We got the phone back when we boarded the bus, which was approximately forty minutes late. Awesome. The bus driver looked so much like Jason's mom that at first we thought she'd hijacked the bus to come find him.

There were forty-five missed calls on Jason's phone. Two from C'Dward and the rest from his mom.

I'm all, "Epic fail, Jason."

We got back to Lispeth's, put Bertha to bed and then we got completely smashed and totally trashed the entire effing ward. And also, we watched more home videos.

Lispeth is coming home soon, so I'm going to have to head back home. But this was a pretty epic weekend.

Oh, Lispeth, and my mom, if you're reading this, all of this is part of your imagination. Legit. None of this ever happened. And also, mom, you are a complete wench. And you have auditory hallucinations. Which is why you think the cops called you yesterday.

Jason... you left your machete, three pairs of socks and a substantial portion of your mask at Lispeth's. Oh, and your Wal-Mart bag full of crap.

Epic fail.