Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream... at five o'clock in the morning?

So this morning I was all fast asleep in my comfortable-ass bed, like most people usually are at you know, A QUARTER TO FIVE?

But of course, apparently I am not "most people", because what fucking happens five fucking minutes later?

I'll give you three guesses.

Why yes, MY CELL PHONE BLOODY RINGS (sorry for the slight Hannibal&myMom-ism there, it had to come out). However did you guess that, and right off the bat, too? YOU'RE SO SMART. :)

>: Good lord.

So then it's all like, "Mr. Sandman! Bring me a dream!" so awkwardly loudly that I think I may have decided to commit suicide in my sleep... but no, of course not. It's just my fucking fucking ringtone.

Mother of God.

Of course I answered the thing! Hannibal would have killed me had I simply let play that "infernal bitch of a musical disaster". Or maybe he would have skinned me alive and proceeded to cook and eat my body parts. Even though I've warned him on more than one occasion that if he ever even tries that shit, I'mma take an axe and chop him up and hastily place him IN THE DRYER, KTHX.

And then call Child Protective Services.

So bitch please, Hannibal.

But anyway, when I'm like, half-asleep I don't always rationalize that well, so I picked up the little mother and pressed talk. It was Jason, obviously. I was somewhat surprised that he'd finally fucking figured out to call me on my cell and not at home. And then I was mildly impressed. And then I was pissed. And then I was furious.

"JASON WHY THE FUCK."

"Michael, help! I'm confused!"

"I should just hang this fuc -" (And by hang this fucker I would have meant Jason, not the phone.)

"MICHAEL!"

"Okay, what the fuck did you do now? What? Jesus wench it's actually five in the fucking morning!"

I heard beeping in the background. Loud, furious beeping.

"I'm at this sign... on the street... and it says 'no left turns'... but then it says, 'vans turn left'. I'MDRIVINGAVANWHATDOIDO! WHAT DO I DO?!?!"

"You turn left, tard. Why the fuck are you driving a van?"

"My mom's!"

"WHY?"

"I-I-I-I went to Dunkin'! I thought I would get us muffins for first peri -"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, and you thought you would do this at FIVE AM? You know what, I don't even care. Get in a head-on, asswench. Byyeeeee!"

I hung up.

I'M SO PISSED. :