Ironically enough, C'Dward saved the day!

So Michael and Jason were fighting for like a week and it was awkward.

And by "fighting" I mean they stayed shut inside their rooms and avoided each other like the plague. Which is what they always do when they fight, and which is so much more awkward than if they were to just bitch each other out every day and plot to egg each other's houses like they do when they get into disagreements with Frederick.

I hate seeing Michael and Jason have a fight because Michael always gets extremely "Oh-my-God-eff-my-life-I-have-no-friends-everyone-hates-me-even-the-deformed-hockey-fanatic-across-the-street-who-drives-his-mommy's-pink-cloud-van!"

And I'm afraid to get a phone call from Mary-Sue Vrees informing me that Jason climbed on top of Alfred Benedict's shitty green snow plough and jumped.

So obviously, I, having quite enough on my plate without this nonsense - and without Johnny literally SCREAMING at the wok downstairs for the past four days - I've been trying to get them to reconcile. So after a couple days of Michael blubbering and trying to be a "tough guy who doesn't give a shit about anything so eff off wench" in his room, I knocked on the door and quite frankly invited myself in because he wasn't responding.

He's all plopped on his bed with his face in the pillow like someone who needs medical assistance, and I'm all exasperated like, "Michael... why can't you just call Jason and TALK to him?"

Michael blubbers, "Because we don't TALK. That's not what we DO. GOD Mom."

I shrugged like a science nerd who is socially awkward and exaggerates her movements. "But WHY? Michael, you didn't even go to school this week pretty much because you didn't want to have to face him. Isn't that cowardly? You're never going to fix things if you hide out like kicked puppies in your room for a year! You know that!"

Michael just sits up stiffly and glares at me. "TheonlyreasonIstayinmyeffingroomalleffingdayisbecauseifIgotoeffingschooleffingFreddyandothershittyeggfreaksaregoingtomakeusdoa"Michaelvs.Jason". And there is NO WAY we're making a "Michael vs. Jason" because Jason and I made a frigging spit swear when we were like four that never in the entire history of our lives would we EVER fight on camera. A SPIT SWEAR MOM. You just don't go back on that shit, like actually."

I smiled fake-sweetly. "Awww, that's touching. NOW GO ACROSS THE STREET AND TALK TO THE POOR CHILD BEFORE HE COMMITS SUICIDE."

Michael crosses his arms. "Or what?"

"Or you're grounded for fifty years," I said.

Michael plopped back down handicappedly onto his bed, muttering "wench" under his breath.

He didn't go across the street. Apparently, not ever the menace of being grounded for fifty years could make him talk to Jason at this point. Then randomly, he came home from school on Friday, slammed the door behind him and said, "Oh by the way mom me and Jason are friends again."

I just made a huge smile and said, "OH THAT'S GREAT HONEY. You finally talked to him?" I was all proud of my boy. Having the courage to admit responsibility for whatever it was he'd done? Yeah, that's what I teach my child here. I've taught him well!

And then he was all, "Nope. He called me last night at like seven while you were out playing poker with Edna. Apparently they got invited to C'Dward Eullen's house for dinner, and - OH BY THE WAY C'DWARD EULLEN HAS TWO MOMMIES. Isn't that awkward?"

"Michael! Stop discriminating!"

"Sorry, it's just fudging hilarious. Anyways... so like he calls me from the bathroom on his awkward purple phone with pink stars and red hearts on it which he says belongs to his sister, but he doesn't have a sister so that makes no sense -"

"Michael! Get to the point?"

"Jesus Christ mom, let me talk! ... Anywaaaaaays, so he was all like, 'Okay so I know we're not speaking to each other right now, but EDWARD CULLEN HAS A CRUSH ON ME. AND I'M IN HIS HOUSE. HELP.' And I was like... 'Dude who the FUCK is Edward Cullen?'... but he meant C'Dward obviously. He's just dyslexic and it's awkward and annoying, but whatever. So then it was so incredibly hilarious that C'Dward Eullen apparently has a thing for Jason - because it's JASON and he's a fugster - that we were like AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and we totally forgot we hated each other. So yeah. We're friends again!"

I said, "YAY!" and it was like a small yet giant weight was lifted off my slightly robust, chair-like shoulders that have an air of bittersweet triumph to them. And that sounded like Margaret Atwood. Which is really very silly because she is Robert's favorite author and I hate her and want to burn her books at the stake.

I am only now realizing that I have no sweet clue what this giant week-long feud between my Siamese twins of a son and an "adopted son" was actually about. As in, at all. I should probably ask Michael about this tomorrow. Then again, I might not because quite frankly, I am seriously tired of this bullshit.

No really. I am.