Jason and Michael have issues

Johnny's gone. I've stolen the desktop in the master suite. I'm listening to Boney M on it! RA-RA-RASPUTIIIIN! She's no Susan Boyle, but hey. The CD's downstairs and I'm too lazy to go. I'd ask Michael to but he and Jason are giggling like schoolgirls about something or other in his room... and do I want to know? I think not.

Wait, is that "Mr. Sandman" I hear? Dear God. Dear Lord.

You know what? On second thought, I think I might have to just go and see what's going on in there. Be right back.

... Well, I'm back, and slightly traumatized. Soon as I walked into the room, Michael leapt up from the desk, where he and Jason were busy doodling on a sheet of paper like the conniving masterminds they are. He goes, "MOM! HAHA! Check this out..."

So I walk up to the desk, right? And all I see is a sheet of paper full of messy handwriting and glue-sticked pictures of people.

I'm all, "What did you two do?"

Jason's all giddy as usual. You'd legitimately think there were caffeine fumes in our house. He's all, "WE TOOK PICTURES OF AWKWARD PEOPLE LIKE BEORGE GUSH AND CINARY HILTON FROM NEWSPAPERS AND WE STUCK THEM TO THE RAPER -"

"Jason!" I interrupt, alarmed. "Jason, honey, calm down, your dyslexia! George Bush, honey. Hillary Clinton. PAPER."

Jason blushes and then he's all, "Sorry Mrs. LSD. I got a bit excited."

Michael rolled his eyes and said, "Yeah so ANYWAY, we took the pictures and we put captions next to them - like dictionary captions! Like what word in the dictionary these people would be next to."

I'm still shaking my head. "Oh, you boys. Must you always make fun of people?"

Michael and Jason just kind of exchanged a look and then just kind of nodded.

"Okaylet'sseeit," I said, holding out my hand to receive the sheet.


George Bush - Monkey

W. Desnay - Senile

Richard Anderson - Alzheimer's

Hillary Clinton - Partridge

Sam Loomis - Pedophile

Sella Bwan - Illegal Immigrant

Pamela Voorhees - Awkward

Adam Lambert - Flamingo

Hannibal Lecter - Hideous (I said "Hey! That's not nice!")

Rob Zombie (one of Johnny's work frenemies) - Gargantuan


I'm all, "Not cool, boys."

Michael grimaces and he's like, "You have no sense of humor. You're frigid."

Jason's like, "Difgrif?"

Michael's all, "No."

Yep, they have issues. I think I might tell Hannibal that it might not be a good idea to have both of them helping him with the tree... let alone Frederick. That might prove to be disastrous, don't you think? I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Y'know?